


"no one would ever fall in love with me"

by orphan_account



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Fake AH Crew, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, additional tags will be added as the story progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 14:27:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7271905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray spent the next few months desperately avoiding banks, a small action that gave him an even smaller glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, he would never meet his soulmate. He went to ATMs, small convenience stores, constantly ordered takeout, and even managed to coddle his co-worker into carpooling him. It was unnecessary, really. Ray knew it was inevitable, but he'd actually rather live than die at the hands of a criminal soulmate that didn't even care for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"no one would ever fall in love with me"

  
Ray frantically rubbed at the words on his wrist, wincing at the sinking feeling in his chest. _This can’t be real. What kind of fucking person is my soulmate? A terrorist?_   
  
Ray stared at the words, as if that would make any difference. Apparently, his soulmate’s first words to him would be _“Keep your mouth shut before I blow this place up.”_   
  
Ray sighed heavily, putting his head in his hands. Everyone had the marks at some point in their lives. They appeared randomly, and one of the unluckiest cases was 50 years. Ray was somewhat fortunate in comparison. 21 years!  Most of his friends already had their marks by the age of 14, which was apparently a global average. Half of them had already found their soulmates, and there was Ray, struggling to be happy for them. He had to wait an extra 7 years, and when he did get the words, it wasn't even a compliment nor was it a greeting of any sort. It was a fucking threat. Ray thought it was pretty safe to say that his soulmate didn't think much of him.   
  
Ray grew up with dramatic, heavily romanticised stories about soulmates. The characters had cheesy pick-up lines encircling their wrists, and would always somehow meet their soulmates by chance. But what really caught Ray's attention was what they would think of each other. His mom had described his dad as stunning, with eyes like stars and a mouth that curved naturally into sweet smiles. His dad had described his mom as gorgeous, with rosy cheeks and a contagious laugh that reminded him of his childhood.   
  
So while Ray was waiting for the words to show up, he helplessly watched his friends find their soulmates and slowly drift away. The same applied for all his past relationships. At some point, the other would find their soulmate, and Ray would be left all alone, save for the occasional text. He spent his days on his Xbox, almost always playing online, as if teaming up with strangers could substitute for the loneliness he had.   
  
And it did, for a while. He found some new friends, but the fact that they couldn't be there with him physically made him feel even lonelier.

So here Ray was. Holing up in his apartment and hoping he would never meet his soulmate.  
  
\-   
  
Ray spent the next few months desperately avoiding banks, a small action that gave him an even smaller glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, he would never meet his soulmate. He went to ATMs, small convenience stores, constantly ordered takeout, and even managed to coddle his co-worker into carpooling him. It was unnecessary, really. Ray knew it was inevitable, but he'd actually rather live than die at the hands of a criminal soulmate that didn't even care for him.   
  
So there Ray was, 30 days into this avoidance plan, buying cheap milk at an old, practically run-down convenience store. It's not like he would ever admit it, but he _was_ getting tired of making hour-long trips to the outskirts of town just to get shitty versions of the food he was used to consuming. _Gotta commit, right?_   
  
When he brings his stuff to the counter, he's pleasantly surprised to find an attractive girl checking him out. A watch covers her wrist where her words should be, so Ray decides to follow the “out of sight, out of mind” approach with this charming lady.   
  
“You come here often?” She winks, a large, toothy grin on her freckled face.

  
“Not enough.” Ray flirts right back, and his heart leaps at the prospect of having a long-term relationship with someone that wasn't, well, a criminal.   
  
The girl laughs, and Ray barely notices the two men that brush past him into the store until the shorter of the two shoots the girl point-blank, right in between her eyes. Ray can only stare helplessly as the girl crumples, along with the future that Ray had already planned out with her.   
  
“Ryan, take care of this fool.” The guy orders, and moves to loot the register of all its cash.   
  
The other guy, Ryan, steps in front of him and leans down slightly, so that Ray can see his piercing blue eyes through the holes in his mask. And slowly, ever so slowly, presses the barrel of his gun to the side of Ray's head.   
  
“Oh god, oh god, oh Jesus Christ, please don't fucking kill me, I just need to get two more achievements in Halo, please spare me, I -” Ray babbles, cutting himself off when Ryan hisses angrily, and presses the gun more insistently into Ray's head.   
  
“Keep your mouth shut, before I blow this place up.” Ryan mutters, his voice raspy, and it was so quiet and muffled that Ray almost missed it, but it still made it's way into Ray's ears, making his skin crawl unpleasantly.   
  
_Is this how I'm supposed to feel when I meet my soulmate? This is fucking bullshit, I feel like I'm going to shit myself if he brings that gun any closer,_ Ray thinks to himself.   
  
Ryan steps away from Ray, holsters the gun, and pulls out a phone. He quickly types in a _“We’re taking him with us.”_ and waves it in front of the other man’s face. The other man reads over it quickly and his face twists in confusion, then giving way to outrage.   
  
“Jesus- What the fuck?! Ryan, honestly what the-” He bursts out, scowling at Ryan.   
  
“You know what? I don't give a shit. If Geoff asks, it's all you.” He groans, and stuffs the last few dollar bills as well as a few candy bars and Redbulls into his duffel bag.   
  
Before Ray can even move a muscle, Ryan delivers a sharp right hook to Ray's face, and Ray goes unconscious before he even hits the ground.   
  
\-   
  
“Ryan, this kid is the _last_ thing we want right now! In fact, he's not even on the list! What the fuck were you thinking, man?” A voice demanded, and Ray picked up the faint sounds of rustling from behind him. He’s blindfolded and strapped to a chair, a dull throb in the cheek Ryan had hit.   
  
“Don't fuckin’ sass me, asshole,” The same voice grumbled, but it had a hint of affection in it. “This doesn’t mean you’re forgiven. Honestly, how can you be so reckless?”   
  
Ray gulps when he hears footsteps approaching, and flinches when he senses movement in front of him.   
  
“Ah. You’re awake, then,” The person mutters, before raising their voice to a yell. “Guys, he's awake!”   
  
Ray hears more voices this time. He recognises one voice from the store, but the rest are unfamiliar, and all are tinged with apprehension and curiosity. Before Ray can say anything, his blindfold is untied, and released from the straps binding him to the chair, and Ray is greeted with the sight of a lady in an obscenely floral shirt that tourists would normally wear. The difference was that this was not a tourist, this was one of his kidnappers, and she was examining Ray, an unreadable look on her face.

“Hey, buddy! How you doing? You don’t look too good.” A man steps forward, snickering at the fear in Ray’s expression.

“Your moustache doesn’t look too good either.” Ray mutters. He curses himself as he says it, knowing his sass was one self-defense mechanism that he _definitely_ did not need right now. There’s a chorus of “Ooooohs” from the duo beside the man, and a chuckle from the lady. No reaction from Ryan, or at least, nothing Ray can see behind the mask.

“Alright, alright. Shut up, all of you.” The man laughs good-naturedly, even shooting a lazy grin at Ray.

“Why am I here? Who are you guys?” Ray asks, his voice shaky and soft.

“We’re the Fake AH Crew. I’m Geoff, leader of this band of idiots.” The moustached man gestures vaguely at the other people in the room.

“I’m Gavin. Have no clue why you’re here either, so cheers, mate.” The lanky guy smiles, and Ray notes the large and slightly off-center nose, as well as the strong British accent. Who knows, if he got out alive, he could probably be hailed a hero by the police when he gets to identify them. _If._

“I’m Michael, the guy who shot your cashier girlfriend. All I know is that Ryan’s an idiot. Cheers.” Ray winces as he remembers the girl he had been flirting with, and avoids Michael’s gaze, instead focusing on the woman beside him.

“I’m Jack. General translator for Ryan whenever he’s too lazy to use his phone.”

Everyone turns to look at Ryan, who just shrugs and offers a very small nod in Ray’s direction. Ray notes that out of all of them, Ryan is the only one with a mask on. That, and the fact that Ryan doesn’t seem to talk.

“You are intimately acquainted with Ryan, I’m sure. He’s the one who kidnapped you, but he’s the least likely among us all to give anything away. Oh, and you guys are soulmates, apparently.” Jack added. Ray already knows this, but a wave of nausea hits him as he’s reminded of this fact. As if to prove it, Ryan steps into the center of the room and rolls up the sleeve of his jacket to show everyone the string of words wrapped around his wrist.

Clearly none of them have seen it properly, seeing how they scramble to gawk. Ray is far from amused. It’s not pleasant, seeing _“Oh god, oh god, oh Jesus Christ, please don't fucking kill me, I just need to get two more achievements in Halo”_ on Ryan’s wrist. But it’s clearly a great source of amusement for the rest, just seeing his cowardly words on Ryan’s skin, the cursive lettering seemingly mocking him.

Ryan made an obscene gesture, which Jack didn’t even have to translate for everyone to know that he was insulting Ray. Which was _totally_ uncalled for, in Ray’s opinion.

“No shit! Ryan was about to kill you and you wanted your last words to be about achievements in Halo?” Michael questioned, still chuckling.

“Wait, so am I getting killed or…?” Ray asked, blinking slowly at the current lack of a threatening atmosphere normally found in situations such as this.

“Obviously not! I mean, why even bring you out here if we wanted to kill you? Bloody unnecessary, that’s what it is.”

“Long story short, you’re gonna be one of us. One of the Fake AH Crew. We’re gonna train you, but if you can’t keep up, we might just have to get rid of you.” Geoff explains, waving his hand dismissively.

“Training starts tomorrow, and if you try anything funny during those sessions, you’re dead meat.” Michael grins, making a cut-throat gesture.

_Ah, there it was._

 

**Author's Note:**

> this chapter's title is from the song XO by Eden - which i definitely recommend, bc that song inspired me and now i have 32 other fics in the making oops
> 
> i usually don't post fics unless i've completed the whole thing, but i decided to post this anyway, to /try/ and update regularly. if i don't, and you want more, feel free to head over to my tumblr and tell me so! hope you enjoyed it so far <3  
> http://supcrpuma.tumblr.com/


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